EB1766

As We Grow Older

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Relating to Our Aging Parents

Relating to aging parents

With life expectancy increasing, parents and offspring can expect to have long relationships, including later years when aging parents require caretaking. Medical advances mean people live longer and death is more likely to occur after a long period of gradual decline and disability.

Approximately 70 percent to 80 percent of today's families provide care for aged family members. The responsibility for that care is apt to fall on aging partners and adult children in middle age. Retired people may even be providing such care for their aged parents.

The never-ending importance of parents

Parents continue to be central figures in their children's lives during adulthood, affecting and influencing them even after their deaths. In fact, one of the most difficult developmental issues of middle age is that of "making peace" with parents for past hurts or problems.

Working on this issue often occurs at the same time the middle-aged adult is dealing with adolescent children struggling to establish their independence. Both the parent and the adolescent are establishing their identity in relationship to a parent.

It is common for a same-sex parent and teenager to have a particularly difficult relationship during these times.

Healthy adult development gives new insights, skills and experiences that can be incorporated into people's lives. It is always possible to learn new ways of relating more successfully to our parents.

As parents grow old and experience major changes, such as a shrinking social world or physical deterioration, the results can be ambivalence, confusion, uncertainty, and a generally negative reaction.

Remaining adult

Aged parents who once took care of their children often begin receiving care from their children. Everyone depends on someone. Being able to depend on others is a key characteristic of our closest and most meaningful relationships.

The degree and type of dependency determines the quality of health of these relationships.

While older parents may change from "caring for" to "receiving care" from their children, this change in care patterns should not result in role reversal.

It is important to remember that adults retain their adult status for life, regardless of dependencies. Such status includes the right to make mistakes.

Understanding the types of adult-parent relationships

While each parent/child relationship is unique, it can be described according to the distribution of power in the relationship.

PARENT - Adult Child

• The parent dominated the child during the child's development and continued to do so during adulthood.
• The adult child still feels like a child and emotionally reacts like one.
• The adult child will be afraid of parental anger and seek love and approval from the controlling parent. The adult child does not feel adult, but feels dependent on more powerful figures.
• The aging parent may have heightened fears of becoming dependent on a "weak" child.

Parent - ADULT CHILD

• Both parent and adult child view the adult child as the person in control. Increased dependency of the parent can lead to role reversal.
• Reversal of original family roles is not good. Parents should retain their parental role and not be assigned the role of children.
• Role reversal makes parents feel more dependent and makes adult children resentful.
• It is necessary to recognize when this happens and work to redefine roles.

PARENT - ADULT CHILD

• Both parent and adult child see each other as equals and adults.
• Both are adults with mutual caring and a desire to help, without resentment.
• The aging parent may have age-related dependencies and need caregiving from the adult child, but there is no role reversal.
• A new way of supporting and caring develops.
• Each person retains the original role in the family, only the helping patterns change.